torn.

A chapter in my life has ended and I am completely lost.

I don't know where to go, or what to do. And the only person I want to call and spew all my feelings to is the one person I can't. I keep trying to realize it's over, but something keeps telling me it's not.

This is where I become torn.

It's all I think about, day and night. And it's unbelievable the impact someone can have on your life. Just the other day, I was happy (or so I thought I was) and I would go to sleep knowing that there was someone in the world who cared and thought about me too. Now I go to bed in tears. I wish I had the answers but I don't, and that's what I'm struggling with the most. If only I knew the outcome or the reason for all this, maybe I'd eat, maybe I'd even get some sleep. 

I miss everything. Regular saturday traditions of renting movies, making dinner and sharing a bed at the end of the night. I miss the hugs and the kisses. I miss sending texts about the most mundane, trivial things possible. I miss knowing every detail of someone's character and they knowing every detail of mine.

My head and heart and pulling me in every direction possible. Its a tug of war. I just wish I could escape it all and I can't. I want answers. I NEED answers and the only person that has them is me, and I don't know what they are. What does this all mean? And why is this happening now? Why did I have to fall in love and feel this way? Why am I doubting myself so much? Why is it that I put myself in this position and never have I felt so alone in my entire life? It's these questions that keep me awake at night. It's these questions and all the memories that render me in tears at work, in the shower, in the car and in bed. I cannot listen to music, I cannot watch a hockey game. I can barely walk into my room. Everything has a story behind it that reminds me of him.

I just....I don't know what to do.