I first heard about this website when I stumbled upon Chrissy D's facebook status. (2nd name drop in 2 posts lol) In any case, the more I read her posts, the more I wanted to release my creative energy as well, no matter how mundane or trivial. The post on Chrissy's wall that struck me the most was when she wrote of her grandmother's passing. I quickly offered her my condolences and told her she would be in my prayers. I then began reflecting over the biggest loss in my life. Something occurred this evening, a sign that I've been waiting for, for many years. In order to understand the sign, I must back track 3 years.
It was the summer of 2005, I had just graduated high school and was extremely excited to begin a new chapter in my life. Although I was unsure about studying Law and Society at Vanier, my father's faith in me (and lifelong dream of me becoming a lawyer) kept me in high spirits. It was not until August 11, did all my excitement, hope and innocence shatter with one phone call. My father had been killed. It is not a word I enjoy using, and it is not a situation that I always feel comfortable divulging to others, but it is through the knowledge and experience that I have gained throughout these past 3 years, I have learned to not let his past define who I am. I loved my father dearly, but for many reasons, we were at odds with each other for many years. His lack of presence throughout my childhood left an indelible mark.
As he began to rebuild his life into an incredibly respectable man, my parents decided to separate. My father acquired a "significant" other in a very short period of time and this caused the rift in our already shaky relationship to grow deeper. It was not until the summer of his passing did I begin to learn about the kind of person my father was. Although it felt odd to have to be with him on "dads weekend" and stay at "dads house" rather than OUR home, I enjoyed every minute we spent together. I finally started a relationship with him that was not based on money and shopping dates to make up for the time he wasn't around. We cooked together and did activities together and had deep conversations together. But we never spoke about the past.
If there is one thing I will ever regret, it would be that. Never having let him know the pain he put me through is something I will never have the chance to do. I'm positive he knew, but to have heard it in words, and not assumptions is a luxury I'll never have. I never had the courage to do it and most of all I never had the chance to tell him that I forgave him. He died thinking I still resented him and that hurts me everyday. But, I have been strong, much stronger than I ever believed myself to be and this evening I'm positive I experienced one of the most spiritual things I ever have.
As a child, I was always an attention seeker and loved singing for others. As I grew up, I developed a pretty good singing voice which my father loved. He came to all of my high school talent shows and constantly asked me to sing for him. Ever since his passing, whenever I sing in my car, a part of me feels as though he's listening. (In order for you to understand the story, I must also explain a small problem my car experienced a few months ago) A small glitch in my car lighting system occurred. The small light on my dashboard constantly lit up expressing that all the doors had not been shut properly. After months of closing and re-closing every door (and my trunk) I decided to change the ceiling light to the off setting rather than having it stay on constantly every time I climbed into my car. This evening as I was driving home from a friends house, my ipod shuffle setting rendered it to "Gardernia" by Mandy Moore, which I love singing along to. As the song came to an end, I approached a red light. As soon as I was completely stopped, the ceiling light of my car slowly lit up to an extreme brightness and then slowly dimmed shut. This may have been some weird car glitch I am unaware of, but the timing and the circumstances led me to believe he was right there with me. Needless to say, I started to cry immediately and told my mother the story, which she completely believed. I'm not one for believing in signs, but tonight, I am 100% sure my father was with me. I wish I could feel the way I felt tonight, everyday.
I miss you so much daddy.
