A New Year, A New Beginning.

First off, I'd like to wish everyone a very happy new year. I know I'm a few days late but things have been so hectic lately. Photographed above are my friends and I at my chalet up north in what I believe to be the most amazing bed ever manufactured. It is so grand, not only does it fit 7 people, but it should be featured on How It's Made (which is quite the awesome show!) My new years was very low key compared to years' passed. I've gone to reception halls, a cruise, cancun and so on. But I was very happy with celebrating this new year in a pair of sweats and an AA hoodie.  I am refraining from making a list of new years resolutions I am sure I will not uphold. Instead, this year I am making a mental note to set my mind to things and get them done. However monumental or trivial, I don't want to be a quitter. I want to complete whatever it is I start, and I want to be proud of my completion and of myself. In light of this new year I have been doing quite a bit of thinking...

The thoughts I have most frequently are of those I miss. Certain friends I have lost communication with or friends I am no longer close with have been on my mind. It is very sad to lose someone you once had such a strong connection with. A sense of sisterhood is lost and I believe that to be the greatest advantage of being a woman. We are able to connect with others in such a way that we wonder how this person isn't an actual sister. I have reminisced a lot lately on past escapades, outings and sleepovers and although that's all over now, it's comforting to know they will live on forever in my memories. Also, I am missing my 

father terribly. Every occasion or big event evokes many feeling in my mind and in my heart. I wish so badly he could see how well I'm doing for myself and how much I've grown. My chalet up north was actually his home before his passing and I find it difficult to stay there at times because it feels odd without him there, but in a sense, it connects me with him. I miss him everyday and I can only hope that he is with me everyday, smiling down on me and proud.

This post may seem slightly deeper than past posts, but I have been feeling an overflow of emotions throughout this break and I truly miss writing. It is such a release for me, and even though not many people read this, it's oddly comforting to write to anyone. I must say that for the past day, I have been completely enthralled.

My first movie of 2009 was probably the best movie I am going to see all year. Last night I saw Milk with my mother. If you have not seen, or heard of this film, it is an absolute MUST!! Sean Penn plays Harvey Milk, the first gay man to ever be elected a political figure. Having been openly gay, Milk was criticized and lost 4 elections, but in 1978, he finally won and changed the voice of the homosexual community not only in San Francisco, but around the world. After having spent nearly a year in office, Milk was assassinated by Dan White, a fellow supervisor and disgruntled man. Now that I have completed a synopsis of the film, it is important that I write about the acting. Sean Penn is so compelling in this film. I have never seen such convincing and committed acting in my life. This movie had me laughing and crying, with every emotion in between. Every single actor in this film pulled their weight and did a fantastic job. Josh Brolin portrayed Dan White in the most perfect way. Emile Hirsch and James Franco were also fantastic. I know I have not seen any other movies that have oscar buzz surrounding them (i.e The Wrestler), but if Sean Penn does not win an oscar for this role, I will be incredibly disappointed. I left this film feeling as though I should be doing something more with my life. We all fell insignificant because we are only one person in the world, but Harvey Milk is a perfect example that that type of mentality gets you, and everyone around you, no further in life. Harvey Milk was one gay man living in the Castro in San Francisco and he changed the voice of the gay community all over the globe forever. I am so overwhelmed by this film and this amazing man that he has evoked a sense of change in me. If I cannot make a global change, I can make a change in myself. Stigmas and stereotypes can be fought if we change one mind at a time. 

I guess it's pretty obvious that I loved the movie. I just wish that more actors aspired to be like Sean Penn. His career has yet to be awarded with an oscar and I believe this year, it is his turn. I also wish more films were as compelling and emotional as this. It's hard to see the world for what it truly is. It can be a very ugly place, with ugly people, not speaking physically of course. But those who are closed minded about sexual orientation, religion and race need to realize that there are worse situations and worse people to be worried about. We are only creating a world of hatred and enemies with this mind frame, and I truly believe that this is a year for change. A new year, a new start, a clean slate.  I have faith in this generation, and in the rest of the world that we are capable of this scary word called: change.

Throughout this post I have come to a realization, not only is it incredibly long (lol), but my new year's resolution is to change. In what way, I am not sure, and how big or small this change may be is completely up to time to tell. I've rambled on for long enough, but tell me...what would you change about the world or about yourself (not physical of course), and maybe you too will discover something incredible about yourself.

Until next time....

xox.

Merry Christmas To All...

So Christmas is upon us! To be honest, I'm very grinch-like on Christmas, 

but how can you be when creatures like this exist in the world? Tubs is the cutest little kitten ever!! I think I'm in love.

Speaking of love, all the love that has been lacking in my life has come rushing back. I was having a very tough week and with Christmas coming, I was so worried I'd be in the worst mood. Luckily, everything has gone back to normal and I can breathe again. I'm disappointed in myself (as are many of my friends) about resorting to smoking, but consider the habit kicked! I threw out my pack as soon as I no longer needed it.  I'm happy that things are going the way they are and I don't regret my decision in the least. As long as I'm happy, that's all that matters.

I had a Christmas dinner at Melo's house with the girls and it was lovely. Melo and I cooked a traditional dessert passed down to us form our grandmothers. We were extremely nervous because it was our first time making it, but it was a hit. Melo cooked her first turkey, 

and Dani and I helped with all the side dishes. The night (and the food) was a complete success! No one was stressed, all the food was cooked and ready on time and everything was dee-lish!  I'm so glad I met this wonderful group of people. They are genuine, sweet and down-to-earth. I had the most lovely dinner with them last night. I'm already excited for my dinner with them next year :) . For our secret santa, Monica picked my name and bought me season 9 of Friends and  gift certificate to AA! Now I'm only missing seasons 1,2,8 and 10 of Friends..yay!

 So my question to everyone is...gifts, gifts, gifts. What did everyone ask for and what did you get?! Oh p.s my aunt's new bf is from England and he got me a Burberry key chain in silver...its gorgeous! So let me know about all the gifts and remember to eat A LOT!

love love.

Shopping, Starbucks, Girly Time and Nicotine.

Yesterday went pretty well.

The storm could not stop me from finishing my Christmas shopping which I did in record time. I could not have been happier at how seamless it all was. No huge crowds, no pushy, caffeinated people cutting in line and an overall Christmas cheer. Then again, I shopped at Place Vertu which is virtually dead all the time anyway, so living in St. Laurent has paid off.

Speaking of Place Vertu, yesterday I discovered that a Starbucks opened in the mall. Since the mall is 2.4 minutes away from my house, you can imagine how stoked I was. Now I don't have to drive to Laval anymore for my sweet sweet coffee. On the downside, I ordered my Gingerbread Latte and could not drink more than 5 or 6 sips of it. I have not eaten properly in days and everything seems to make me sick. You can imagine my disappointment.

I spent all of yesterday at my friend Melo's house. I neded to get out of my room and welcome some distractions after the week I've been having. She really helped me get my mind off everything (at least for yesterday). We talked and cuddled with her new cats (her cat gave birth and had 4 of the cutest kittens I have ever seen! That's Tubs climbing up and Alien just below her.) then we watched Twilight (for the second time, her first time tho.) Then I stayed at her place. This morning we made dough for the dessert we're making tomorrow night for our Christmas together. I must say for the next few days I am quite busy, so hopefully I'll be feeling a little better. I have Christmas with Melo and the girls tomorrow, Christmas Eve with my mom's mom and Christmas Day with my dad's mom. I'm hoping this will distract me, but I'm scared it will just remind me that I'm alone and that I'll really miss him. I've missed him more and more with each day.

Speaking of the jarring pains in my heart, I purchased a pack of cigarettes the other day and I am so angry with myself, but I haven't thrown it out. It feels like the only thing that can calm me down when I'm alone. He'd be so mad if he found out. I know my friends are disappointed in me for caving, but I'm desperate. (Plus, it's pretty hard to cry your eyes out when you're smoking.)

I'm gonna get going, but I am confident when I say I'll be writing veryy soon. I must leave you with two things on my mind:

1) Facebook is the devil. In or out of a relationship, it ruins your life.

AND

2) Thanks Christina for teaching me how to post pics on my page :)

torn.

A chapter in my life has ended and I am completely lost.

I don't know where to go, or what to do. And the only person I want to call and spew all my feelings to is the one person I can't. I keep trying to realize it's over, but something keeps telling me it's not.

This is where I become torn.

It's all I think about, day and night. And it's unbelievable the impact someone can have on your life. Just the other day, I was happy (or so I thought I was) and I would go to sleep knowing that there was someone in the world who cared and thought about me too. Now I go to bed in tears. I wish I had the answers but I don't, and that's what I'm struggling with the most. If only I knew the outcome or the reason for all this, maybe I'd eat, maybe I'd even get some sleep. 

I miss everything. Regular saturday traditions of renting movies, making dinner and sharing a bed at the end of the night. I miss the hugs and the kisses. I miss sending texts about the most mundane, trivial things possible. I miss knowing every detail of someone's character and they knowing every detail of mine.

My head and heart and pulling me in every direction possible. Its a tug of war. I just wish I could escape it all and I can't. I want answers. I NEED answers and the only person that has them is me, and I don't know what they are. What does this all mean? And why is this happening now? Why did I have to fall in love and feel this way? Why am I doubting myself so much? Why is it that I put myself in this position and never have I felt so alone in my entire life? It's these questions that keep me awake at night. It's these questions and all the memories that render me in tears at work, in the shower, in the car and in bed. I cannot listen to music, I cannot watch a hockey game. I can barely walk into my room. Everything has a story behind it that reminds me of him.

I just....I don't know what to do.

bed.bed.bed

got home from work not too long ago.

cannot wait to climb into bed.

off to work tomorrow again at 3.

i must be off, my bed awaits....

Procrasti...wait for it...nation!!

Forget about it is like if you agree with someone, you know, like Raquel Welch is one great piece of ass, forget about it. But then, if you disagree, like a lincoln is better than a cadillac, forget about it! you know? But then, it's also like is something's the greatest thing in the world, like minghia those peppers, forget about it. But it's also like saying Go to hell too, like, you know, like "Hey Paulie, you got a one inch pecker?" and Paulie says "Forget about it!" And sometimes, it just means forget about it.

- Donnie Brasco

____________________________________________________________________________________

So it seems as though many people have jumped on the blogging train so I thought it would be fun to try it out. I start work at 3, until an undisclosed time very late this evening (or very early tomorrow morning, depending on how you look at it.) I work the coat check at a reception hall .45 seconds away from my house. 

This Christmas season, I have decided to embrace the holiday and give up my Grinch-ness. I will be spending the holidays with family, friends and my boyfriend..all of whom i love dearly. There's no reason to dread a time that one spends eating and celebrating. The one thing I am dreading though, is the snow.

As a driver, one tends to be a bit more pessimistic about this time of year. Scraping and shoveling your car out of mounds of snow is taxing (and to be more precise, fucking exhausting!) But I am trying to be happy this holiday season so, for the time being, I will complain as little as possible (at least until the snow gets really bad and I have reason to bitch to all of you) I'm also beginning to wonder who will read this blog.. it's odd, but it feels like i'm writing to no one.

I will leave you with certain things on my mind...:

• I read over my list of new years resolutions, and I haven't kept one. On the list were: 1) write something at least once a week (poem, short story...anything).  2) learn how to play an instrument. 3) go to the gym 3 - 4 times a week (I only started doing that mid way through september) and 4) have a more positive outlook on things, generally be a happier person. So my question is, should i even come up with new years resolutions this year, or is it just something to make me feel like I have a project ahead of me?
• I would love snow much more if the city of MTL woke up and cleaned the snow better, and quicker. I mean, lets call a spade a spade here...the snow storm this week wasn't all that bad...it's going to get worse, and we'll have at least 20 of them this winter...its taken the snow plows 3 days to get rid of it.
• I wish i was cooler. And just by saying that I'm pretty sure whatever level of cool I possessed vanished into thin air. What I mean is, I wish I was a bit more quirky...for example: I wish I listened to more obscure bands or made an effort to find obscure artists. I wish I had the balls to shop more in that uber trendy section of H&M where everything is floral or has puffy sleeves. I wish I had more tattoos. Sometime, I feel like I look the same as everyone else. It's boring.
• And finally, I cannot wait until my exams are over. My final one is on Monday and I simply cannot wait to throw the exam in my stupid profs face and say "here's your damn essay!" and sprint off of Concordia's downtown campus in a fit of happiness and sheer joy.

Feel free to answer any of my questions :) 

Until next time....